Theories of the First Shift
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: If one wishes to make it as one of the murder police, one must abide by these rules...


A/N: I got seriously bored during the last week of school and only just realized that I still had this, so here's for a laugh...

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1. Lieutenant Giardello is higher up than Captain Gaffney, because Captain Gaffney is a jerk, and no one likes him anyway.

2. Too much red on the board is not good. Neither is too much blue. Only through black on the board will Gee be satisfied.

3. Coffee in the break room is not for the rookies. Those new to the shift must go down to the first floor if they want it.

4. Those that irritate the brass can expect the Lieutenant to take up for them, because the brass are idiots, and everyone knows it.

5. Those that irritate Gee do so at their own risk. Rookies that run the risk of doing so are on their own, unless one of the veterans decides to take mercy on them.

6. The Box is an important institution. It is where confessions are made and murderers put away. Those that misuse the Box will be barred from ever using it again.

7. Partners are like blood. One must have his or her partner's back at all times, whether in the squad room or on the streets.

8. Disagreements are allowed. Fistfights are not.

9. When Captain Gaffney or Colonel Barnfather visit the squad room, you must pretend to show the proper respect at the risk of being written up. Only Gee may tell them off.

10. Press conferences are a necessary evil. Grin and bear it. And once you are in the squad room, out of Gaffney or Barnfather's earshot, then you may complain.

11. Ranting is normal, but only when it comes from Detective Munch. Listen if you want; otherwise, just ignore him.

12. Red-balls are annoying. But Baltimore being the home of the original red-ball, if you draw one, you must solve it.

13. Getting sick at crime scenes is not allowed unless you are a rookie, and even then, it must be done out of the presence of a veteran, unless one wishes to be given hell.

14. Uniforms are not inferior, no matter what you think. They are usually the first at your crime scene and they, unlike most, know how not to contaminate it. Be thankful, or next time, they might screw you over.

15. Never trust the M.E to be done when they say they will be. Baltimore has too many murders in one day for them to be finished when you want them to be.

16. The night shift is not as bad as you think it is. It just means you get to sleep all day.

17. Victims' families are allowed to lean on you for comfort after you tell them that their loved one is dead. Do not push them away or act indifferent while they lean on you, because then they will think you are a complete jerk.

18. It is a given that most Charm City residents do not trust the police, especially the murder police. You must _earn_ their trust if you want information.

19. The shift is not a democracy, rather, it is, for the most part, Gee's dictatorship. As long as red on the bard is down and he is satisfied, the shift shall be left to their own devices. But if it is not, then expect to be pushed to your limits until it happens.

20. Veterans are to teach rookies the ropes unless they feel that said rookie should learn certain ropes on their own.

21. Always search the people you're arresting for weapons, so as to avoid the risk of getting shot or otherwise hurt.

22. Those who rotate in from other units are to be welcomed. The knowledge they bring could prove to be invaluable.

23. It is another given that child victims are the hardest to handle. In those cases, you must keep your wits about you to keep from crossing the line in nailing your idiot suspect to the wall.

24. Personal lives are allowed in the squad room, but once it starts interfering with work, it must go away.

25. Crime Scene technicians are to be left to their own devices. They will give you what you need when they're good and ready.

26. Judges are not to be bothered to sign warrants either early in the morning or late at night.

27. State's Attorneys are not to be abused in any way, shape or form. They have the power to screw you over. And they're the ones who put your suspects in prison.

28. Blowing off Captain Gaffney is okay, as long as you don't do it to his face. And if he finds out, it is on you, but the Lieutenant doesn't like the Captain either, so he won't yell much.

29. The women of the squad are not incapable. In fact, they will kick your ass as soon as look at you if they think you've done them wrong. They are just as good as the guys, no matter what the captain thinks. He is just jealous because one of the girls once screwed him over.

30. Sergeant Howard is every bit as powerful as the Lieutenant, and she knows it. She can and will be harder on the squad when she needs to be. And as the first woman on the first shift, she has this right. Screw her over, and you'll regret it.

31. It is better for Gaffney and Barnfather to keep their mouths shut and let Gee think they are stupid than for them to talk and let him know for sure.

32. Self-defense is not murder. Learn it. Know it. And screw IAB if they yell corruption.

33. Life is worth living. If ever you have doubts about it, look in the mirror and tell yourself so .

34. Nothing is too hard to handle. If you think it is, suck it up and drive on, or leave the shift.

35. Fear is not for the murder police. Jump in headfirst and get the job done. Then relax.

36. You are not invincible, nor are you immortal. So don't act like you are. It will only get you shot, or God forbid, killed.

37. Funerals are for dress uniforms, no matter what the idiot brass have to say. No cop should leave this city without an honor guard.

38. Girlfriends are a pain sometimes. It is best not to tell them what you do on shift, because then they will become irrationally paranoid and will talk your kid's ear off.

39. The Waterfront is and always will be a cop bar.

40. New York cops are sarcastic and annoying. Even so, if their investigation coincides with yours, cooperate or risk Gee's wrath

41. If Gee starts lapsing into a second language while talking to you, his patience is not to be tried.

42. Baltimore does not give a damn about you, unless you make it look good. Then they will give you commendations and act like they care. But you know better.

43. Some cases will not be closed no matter what you do. In those circumstances, you as murder police should move on, and come back to it later.

44. Try not to be late for shift role call. Gee doesn't like it. And if you must be late, at least be smart enough to walk in with a good excuse.

45. Homicide was not meant to be run alone. That is what partners are for. _Use them_.

46. A lesson on murder police etiquette from Bayliss and Pembleton:

"You never say please, you never say thank you."

"Please don't be an idiot. Thank you."

47. Sarcasm is not always a good thing.

48. Four letter words aren't either. Try not to use them unless talking about something awful, such as Captain Gaffney

49. The murder police are a family. You don't know the meaning, look it up.

50. You mess with one murder police, you mess with all murder police. It is advisable that you not do so unless you have half of Baltimore behind you. Otherwise, _leave them alone. _


End file.
